Tempest

Friday, 16 March 2007

Epiphany

There is a sort of squeamishness teamed with dizziness that comes with anxiety. Sometimes, in spite of knowing what the outcome will be one cannot help being extremely strung up about the possessively, obsessively, consistently hoped for desired result. The wait up to the declared result of the test can drive you to a breaking point of being suspended from a thin wire in mid air, dangling just within reach of that outcome. You can see it but its still not in your hand. Eventually you know it will be but right now its playing mind games with you. The doubt that in spite of knowing that it will be and yet being at the mercy of nature's superior unpredictability of mysteriously changing results at the nth minute sits on your head and heart instigating severe symptoms of insomnia, anorexia and nausea. You count the passing minutes and the tension builds subconsciously because it is too much for the sanity of your fragile conscious mind. In denial your conscious mind attributes the symptoms to change of weather and ignores the existence of the subconscious. Life goes on as it is or you try to over normalise it in an extra effort to trivialise the anxiety. And then comes the moment. The moment of truth...like the day of reckoning. Your heartbeat stops and in suspended breath you wait to hear the outcome...

When it comes, you suspect there is a vacume in your head because of the held breath and you heard wrong. In disbelief, you ask for it to be repeated over and over again. The funny part is, that instead of being over enthused and overjoyed that you almost outshone Nostradamus in predicting what the result will be, you feel this odd, all encompasing, over whelming dizziness at the expected result and bend over trying to let the blood rush to your head willing yourself not to throw up. Waves of sickness consume you and it is only then that you realise how anxious you were. In weak, wondrous personal epiphany you comprehend the true meaning of absolute relief.

Even victors are by victory undone.
- John Drydon

Then what are you and I?

Posted by Pavitra :: 04:41 :: 4 comments