Tuesday 28 August 2007

A slow annihilation of sense
Bursts of light, shards of glass
Infusing steadily as though with rights to pass
The pain a constant...its mastery a lapse
Of losses immense
Held within labourious gasps
Where words die in their value
And language doesn't do justice
While the writing becomes stale
When this ceases to be solace
Fists clenched, perceptions dazed
Straight backed, I hibernate
This too shall pass...
So long.

Labels: pain, withdrawal

Posted by Pavitra :: 06:06 :: 15 comments

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Sunday 26 August 2007

Just...

I walked into the house and I just knew it. I felt it in the space around me, in the charge in the air. I could sense it, I could smell it...the smell of home. I could actually see myself cleaning up the filthy mess and the thick layers of dust from the mantle pieces, from the rugs, from the furniture. I could picture myself standing in that kitchen on a cold winter morning and drinking a cup of coffee while staring out of that window. I could feel the sunny summer days when I'd lounge around in the cool living room that has the blue bean bag. I was almost there in that vision where am lying on my stomach leaning over a book on that bed...in that bedroom which I already felt was mine. I was lost...yet I was found. I wasn't hearing a bit of the conversation that my future roomie was having with the landlord...I was already sold on the house.

Thats when I caught a sudden snippet of conversation mentioning the rent. Once that was mentioned other practical considerations came into play; considerations of accessibility of transport, distance from nearest amenities, security etc. Eventually for all good reasons we gave up the house and for all good reasons I felt like someone had just stomped on my silly chit of a heart. Just like that...

And so the house hunting continued. Its been harrowing and exhausting and overwhelming. Many were practical but they still weren't the same as that house. I was being ridikulous I know...but for some reason it was like having rejected the right guy and now temporarily settling for ummm well a practical alternative. See how callous it sounds?? But well we are unemployed and looking for a place to stay till we find a job and so it was the only sensible thing to do. And I always think a million times and try and do these sensible things...try being the operative word.

But all the practicality definitely killed the fun. I've never had a concept of what house hunting should be like and have simply taken people's word for it when they said it was exhausting. But that day when I saw the house, a funny thing happened. I wanted to look for one with someone else. It surprised me this thought...this feeling...this feeling new...I wanted to find one and rejoice the feeling of belonging there with a man. I wanted to feel his presence in our house. I wanted to just worry about practicalities that would revolve around this little world of mine. I even thought of how it would be house hunting with him when we have kids if ever...how far would the school be, is it close to his office...I couldn't stop. It was like this flood. House suddenly brought family to my mind. And suddenly I wanted one of my own...I wanted to be doing this search with him. I wanted to be exhausted, exhilarated and overwhelmed with him....house hunting ofcourse!!

So today, as I think of practicalities I promised myself that someday house hunting will just be fun. Just...

Posted by Pavitra :: 15:06 :: 15 comments

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Monday 20 August 2007

Tears in Heaven

I sit hugging my knees close to my body...rubbing my palms over my arms in an unconscious attempt to ward off the slight chill in the air. Staring out the window far unto a dark and starless sky, I watch as it begins to drizzle and then gradually to pour. While they stream down, the tears in heaven, in solitude...I wasn't alone. My companion...a reiteration of my earliest recollections of those words wise once told to me to raise my spirits...words that I seem to remember and have known forever...words that have proved themselves right with an unmatched consistency...words that have mirrored one of life's simplest, hardest and fairest truths...words that I would have loved to have defeated...words that aren't just words...but a mantra...a way of life...a moral code...a verite'...words that seem to have a life of their own...not painful...but true...thus, painfully true.

'Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone'

Seemingly innocent words...
They sing along with the tears in heaven...

Posted by Pavitra :: 15:36 :: 18 comments

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Thursday 16 August 2007

Olive Ashes

Yesterday was India's Independence Day. I woke up to my Dads voice on the phone wishing me as he always does every year. I sometimes have wondered if this is because he is an Army officer; I now realise that it is because of this deep seated feeling of patriotism that he is an Army officer by choice. I thought I would write something as a tribute to this day but as I read the wonderful blogs a few of my friends had written I wondered whether I knew enough about my nation to write without insulting her. I couldn't do it yesterday. The nation was developing and there was much to be proud of...there were a number of things running through my head and I couldn't quite pin point which of those stood out the most for me at that moment. But, as I watched NDTV in the morning, every patriotic song I heard and every scene in a movie that gave me goose bumps glorified those hundreds and thousands of men and women who join the armed forces to protect the nation regardless of perks, pay and problems. They are the most prominent symbols of patriotism and pride…

"... he's a jolly good fellow, he's a jolly good fellow... he's a jolly good fellow so say all of us..."

Normally these are the words and tunes to which army officers bid adieu to their colleagues... but in the summer of 1999, a small operation to foil an infiltration bid turned into a bloody battle forcing the army to bid adieu to some of its bravest soldiers by the "last post".

8 years hence, the guns may have silenced but the wounds are still fresh. I remember the principal telling us in the morning prayer that our army buses would no longer be there to take us to school. But that only meant more masti as we would now be cycling our way to school! A little later I learned that it also meant that I wouldn't be seeing my bus driver ever again...

Soon the depression of the war sucked us in. The army is one big family. And my family was bleeding and dying... Mothers lost sons... sisters lost brothers... wives lost husbands... children lost dads...

I know yesterday was 15th August…but all the other days of sacrifices and struggle have gone to make this day. July 26th could be just another day for many of you... but for me its more than just Kargil... it's a day I remember my family and pay my respect to those who left us...I think our Independence Day is also a time to rejoice these victories and acknowledge these sacrifices…

Join me in paying tribute to these great individuals by lighting a candle. For all you know that small flame could be the only ray of hope for his family... the army was once their oyster... now all that they are left with are olive ashes...
Remember... Pray... Come together... Let hope be the way...

"Olive Ashes"

Nothing breaks the screaming silence,

I deny the truth staring at me...

...just staring...

They call you brave, they call you daring,

But I lose on a lifetime of love and caring.

They bring you draped in the colors of the nations pride,

I look around, search hopelessly for my colors of a bride.

The bugle breaks the deafening silence...

The band plays on...

I remember our song... so long gone...

Kept before me, I look at you frozen form,

I shut my eyes and in my memories... we dance along...

My heart weeps, my throat screams,

But the eyes are dry, the lips are shut.

The pyre is lit, I see you burning...

I feel the heat, the smoke chokes me...

...my insides churning...

I accepted the truth I long denied,

The strength broke... u burned...

...I cried...

In the face of reality our dream smashes,

Now all that I'm left with are your...

...olive ashes...

Posted by Pavitra :: 01:38 :: 19 comments

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