Tempest

Monday, 30 April 2007

I have been going crazy. No, I have been driving myself crazy. I talk in my head non-stop. Its been an affliction for as far back as I can remember. And with each passing statement and question it becomes harder to come up with answers. You see, one-sided conversations are really difficult because sometimes when the answer is 'not hidden deep inside you' it becomes a real hindrance to your peace of mind to keep asking the same questions over and over again. There are always crests and troughs. I have realised this about myself and with bitterness have accepted that I am not very good with the troughs. Troughs are of various kinds and i am extremely susceptible to the external ones as they almost immediately shake the fine balance of my inner being. I do not have the illusion of being a strong person because I am not...the stress shows, it spills off the sides and starts entering others lives. This I have always hated...it is unfair and extremely selfish to let the spill overflow onto anothers space. It reminds me how much more there is to learn about strength, peace, calm, wisdom and standing tall. It reminds me how much more I have to learn before I can even think about living up to the expectations of loved ones, before I can think of taking their weight and supporting them...before I can start feeling sorry for myself. Yes I do feel sorry for myself sometimes. I admit to extreme weakness and I wish I was not so self centered. I feel like simply giving up and allowing the nigging choking feeling at the back of my throat to take over. I feel like burrying my head in the pillow and crying for hours together. But for some reason I am scared of this feeling. I am scared of letting it take over. I am scared of the onslaught being so strong that I may not be able to stop. I am scared of then jus sitting there by that pillow and never being able to do all those things that I must. So I stop myself just in time and tell myself to get on with it...thats the way it should be right? But the constriction in the throat persists. Maybe it is just a cold I am not taking care of. Sometimes it amazes me how such little things can imbalance my zen. Like right now everything seems astray. I cant seem to think of a future, its like probing a mindless pit when I begin to think of my future prospects, a job, the loan, life and responsibility. Then the college work and domesticity of rents, money storage, etc. These things seem like minute peas in the sea of problems that people have. I agree they are minute peas and that my main worry is people. Peolple I care about. People I would do anything to stand by or atleast say I would (only time will tell) People I call my friends, my parents all theirs become mine. I hate it when I can do nothing to ease their worry, when I can do nothing to sooth their pain. It leaves me feeling helpless and more importantly useless. There the I comes in again. i don't know how everything becomes about the I. I apologise for it and I fight it. But since I care for them I naturally feel I must do something about it. It is futile. They don't understand and you don't understand; which hurts more because you excuse those that you love and push yourself harder to understand them. It is your failing if you don't. It is your failing that even after knowing them so well you can't understand, you can't calm tempests. I wish I could. Nothing else would matter. I wish I could change everything that has happened and hurt them and set it right. I wish I could just say the right words and make it all go away. I wish I could after all these years learn and know the right things to do to make it better. I wish I was more understanding. I wish I was more sympathetic. I wish I had a magic wand. Naah am a non dreamy realistic dry person...who am I trying to kid?? I wish they could see the love and support in my eyes. I wish I had such strength in me that they would not have to have such doubts, thoughts, dark desires and fears. I wish I could embalm them. I wish I was indifferent. I wish I wasn't so self-centered.

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Escapist. I have called myself that many times. It isn't without reason. No matter how awful a feeling or thing to happen. No matter how hurt or broken, I would always sleep off (literally) at the peak point of misery and somehow get up a little more positive, fresh, optimistic and I think a little numb and thick skinned the next day. I could never put the feeling into words but today quite by accident almost innocently like just for me I heard a friend put it in words. Tij while ranting about his miseries simply said, 'I looked into the mirror and thought i have two options; I can I either be sad or I can be happy. I chose to be happy.' I silently whispered the last line under my breath in chorus with him. It seems simple and mundane enough but its true. Just that off late I've been wondering how long till the answer might change. It scared me...the possibility that I might drown in self pity enough to not make the right choice always...that at some point I might want the pillow more than to stand up and love and support my loved ones. I wish I was indifferent. I wish I wasn't weakness itself. I wish I wasn't so self centered.

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Tomorrow will be another day. And for as long as I live there shall always be a tomorrow. I shall not be afraid untill nightfall and then I will think of tomorrow.

Posted by Pavitra :: 01:05 :: 0 comments