Wednesday, 24 January 2007

Footprints in the snow

Sometimes you wake up with a feeling of disappointment and sometimes you sit up with a jolt on the bed wondering how you got magically transported to neverland. I was fast asleep, warm, warm, snug, cozy and...
'Yeh sadish hai boondo ki...dekho naa..'
'Hello'
'Pavitraaaaa....Its snowing! Its snowing in London! Come down fast'.
After a mad scramble to put on decent clothes (I had the good sense to wear some inners), grab my spectacles and keys, I dashed out and into the lift, put on my shoes in exactly 30 seconds (that’s a record for me) and was out in the open. The open which was a spread of white. The open where snowflakes were cascading down. The open which was fresh and crisp and pristine. The open where my friends were going ballistic in pure delight and exaltation.
Hugs. S and T assaulted me. 'Its snowing', they sang and danced. We laughed. Thawck. Pri got me in the back. Tij was jumping around like a four year old. Thwack, ThWack! Pri and I both got him! High-fis followed. After protesting like a baby, Laxy came down anyway only to become the victim. S got him atleast ten times. We couldn't stop laughing. He made up for his embarrassment by saying he was playing the gentleman. I've come to realise that doesn't help men too much these days, though I am not going to rib Laxy about it too much because I was second in line. Twice on the back by Tij, once down the neck, thwack in the face...pri got one (knew he would) and it went on and on till I lost count. Aloof, pRicky maintained that nothing could touch him. I think he believes it as well. Thwack! Tij got him! The excitement was infectious. Shri laughed for the first time like a child since coming to London. The joy and exuberance was endearing. It is one of those rare moments when you look at your friends and suddenly feel warm and protective. Small, big, slashed, wiped, criss-crossed, there were footprints everywhere. Footprints in the snow. Our footprints. ‘Your wish came true’, said pRicky. All I could do was smile and nod. It wasn’t the snow, I had seen snow before. It hadn’t been a wish to see snow this winter. I had reconciled with the fact that the winter wasn’t cold enough and it might not bring on the white flakes. It was serendipity. To sleep with the world looking normal, expecting just that and to wake up to flakes was beautiful. To have an old dream realised was beautiful. Like miracles that suddenly change something inside you. That things, beautiful things, small insignificant things could happen out of the blue. That dreams can come true. It makes you smile. It makes that small corner of your heart peep out and hope. Its like a signed writ that says ‘Go on, keep dreaming’. For a moment it makes you believe.

Dreams’ coming true is what life is all about.

This post was supposed to be funny and descriptive. I ended up philosophising yet again. I wonder if it is a phase or if I am going to be wacko for the rest of my life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Its freezing this morning. Am fully protected under four thick layers of clothing, including 2 pairs of socks and 2 pairs of gloves. I feel stuffed, constricted, restricted and I know I am going to crib about it for the rest of the day.

I haven’t felt this satisfied in ages.

Labels: Snow

Posted by Pavitra :: 02:41 :: 15 comments

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---------------oOo---------------

Monday, 22 January 2007

The room an expression of joy
carefree laughter, puns cracked all intended
buzz of life and activity
lost in the enjoyment of the moment...
a sudden jolt
a reminder...
a tug to pull you back.
All sound a buzz around you..
The face still smiles but you're not in the room anymore.
Is it deserved...the laughter, the illusionary joy?
Was it meant to be yours or is it on loan?
Is it borrowed? Do you owe?
The crowd no longer familiar
more like an intruder.
Maybe you are the intruder...
The intruder who laughs on borrowed time.

Posted by Pavitra :: 03:06 :: 5 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- The walk...

Its supposed to have an end...the road.
It keeps winding...
makes people believe it is leading them to some place.
They follow the twists and turns
blindly, passively, hopefully
the hope to find the end...
reason is attributed to the walk.
In forever search for what they call the truth...
They don't stop, they cannot stop
for its time that is moving not the road.
Its time thats leading them.
They talk of holding time still in their hands...
but still moments change, eternity fades, scenes alter
in flashes faces become familiar...
in flashes they become a blur.
one moment it is all important, the next it is gone
They still follow the road
blindly, purposefully, hopefully
In search of that truth
for time in its pace has shown them many betrayals
Funny word betrayals...makes them forget the word constant.
Constant is what they look for all their lives...
so, they follow the road in search of what they call the truth.
Inside they all know...
Inside they all refuse to acknowledge, believe
that constant will never be,
for its time that guides their walk
And not the road.
They still follow the road
blindly, passionately, faithfully
Such is the courage of man...
Most might disagree...
But tis' my definition of courage.

Posted by Pavitra :: 02:37 :: 3 comments

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---------------oOo---------------

Friday, 19 January 2007

When 'Wind' comes a 'Knocking'...

Tug. Pull. Push. Drag. Thud. Groan.
Left...Right...no left. Why am I moving left when I want to go right? Drag.
Stop it.
no NO.
I don't want to go in that direction.
You BRUTE!
Yes I speak to the wind. No rather shout, curse and fight with all my might. If it was a person in my mind it would be a 6’7” tall, hefty guy with a gruff voice who is just knocking you around simply because
1) either he enjoys it,
2) has nothing to do or
3) because he is a bullying brute!

But, sometimes rarely when he is in a highly benevolent mood he gives you a propelling push in the direction you are moving in (this is rare but I mentioned it because I am a fair person). And sometimes when he is in too generous a mood he propels you in your desired direction so hard you wonder what hit you. Thud. This time it was the road. And in a puddle at that. Drenched, dripping wet and bruised. This is the only time when you are thankful about not having bought that sexy Swede coat! That is how I arrived at my ‘oh so posh’ and sophisticated office which is always adorned with damsels in silk stockings and boots. Feeling drab is one thing (you are a poor international student and you pacify yourself by saying you’ll make it up by buying yourself a shop and a spa 10 years down the line), but feeling drab and drenched at the same time while soiling the office ‘matt’ flooring is quite another.

Thus I started my day a little annoyed, feeling a tad bit sorry for myself. I hate feeling like a push-over and the wind does just that to me! Grrr! Maybe I should buy a raincoat (nay no money to waste), maybe I should complain to dad about the brute (but then he’d just tell me to deal with it as usual, “fend for yourself” he’d say in a baritone), maybe I should pray to the wind God…

Tring Tring
“Hello”
“I can’t….there’s a gaping hole…puff….pant…it just droped….I…”
“Yabba?....you ok? What’s happening?”
“ My door….huff….its terrible….he barged in…pant….tell her I’ll come…late….but I’ll..puff….make it”
Now I was scared. My highly imaginative mind had already imagined a very colourful attack on my colleague by a fugitive.
“Relax. Tell me what happened. Who barged? You want me to call the police?” (Blimey whats the number for the cops in this country?? I know the one for the US and India…)
“No cops…I can’t….you are not going to BELIVE this!”
“What?” (Now I was getting a bit impatient).
“Ha ha…sob…sob….gasp….my door! The moment I opened it today it blew off its hinges! It came out in my hands and I almost flew with it! There is a hole in my house!”
‘More like an open doorway’ I thought.

So we talked, more like she ranted and sobbed and raved and I spoke in a monotone for 15 minutes using the words ‘listen to me’ and ‘calm down’ with increasing frequency.

Finally we agreed on a plan of action wherein I’d cover for her when the boss asks and she would Call the carpenters, call the insurance company, call her mom (we fought about that one…she tried to con me into doing it, but after today mornings incident I wasn’t going to be pushed around! No actually I said no because her mom would think something had happened to her….I mean am not that callous!), pay the bills, take some pills to keep calm (she’s not a drug addict, just traumatic!) and then come to work.

The rest of the day was just like any other normal day (though I did remain damp for most of it….not a nice feeling!) Ha ha ha….I laughed at regular intervals in the tube (people were staring at me but I think that was because they were jealous). It was there in the tube, on the way back that I realised I’d truly moved away from home. The wind havoc was actually nothing. I mean I am an army officer’s kid and we have seen much worse. Leaking roofs (as in downpour in the house), flooded rooms (knee deep with earthworms in the rainy season….yuck!), so on and so forth. But then every time these things had happened you never had to worry about how to fix the roof or how to drain the house. You just had to put up with the discomfort/inconvenience, laugh about it and take it as an adventure. But now, suddenly tomorrow if my door comes off its hinges I’ll have to think of the entire How’s and where’s and still continue to smile through it and take it as an adventure. They are the small things in life but my parents did them so well and I never realised it.

Kudus to Yabba.
A salute to Mom and Dad.
‘Whatever’ to the wind.

A hope that I will be able to live up to situations in the same way.

Posted by Pavitra :: 05:37 :: 10 comments

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---------------oOo---------------

Monday, 15 January 2007

Exposed!!

eeeeeeeeh

And everyone immediately shuts out sound by pressing their ears as tightly as possible!

I've always been the loudest in every group (by default I end up among all soft spoken people....groan!) :) Not complaining...Its my adopted trademark now. I mean if you can't fight em' you might as well join em'!!
Am majorly digressing here. So, big groups...talking a whole load and making a fool of myself is something I've become an ace at. What I know for a fact undoubtedly is that singing is something I've always done in the private confines of the bathroom and singing is something I've never been good at and that singing is something I've always wistfully wished I could do and that singing is the one thing I would NEVER do in a crowd.
'Sing' they would say and I would cringe!
'Sing' would come the demand I'd think 'I disappear'.
'Sing' I'd hear and I'd run for cover...
All the while wondering how in the world people, even those who particularly aren't good at it do so with an uncaring gusto in a CROWD. Yes crowd here is the operative word.
And so, my newly adopted family at Harrow ordered 'Sing'
and I did.
I do know that I missed notes and I do know my voice shook and I do know that i was terrified.
But I also do know I sang.
Its an insignificant thing. I feel like laughing out loud. But, I never did imagine I'd ever get over this one inhibition.
Its silly, but I feel liberated.

Thanks Devilz. I believe we've already risen.

Posted by Pavitra :: 05:54 :: 9 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- Enigma mine

We meet
sometimes often, at times fleetingly
we know each other
I have seen a glmpse of the shadow
maybe more...
maybe i've seen the whole
maybe i've imagined all the meetings
maybe there's nothing more to discover
But then the glimpses...
where do they come from?
They seem to know more about me
They seem to guess whats on my mind
even before I think of the words,
They seem to seethe even before I burn,
They seem to dance before I hear the rhythm,
They seem to know the essence before I catch the smell
They seem to know know my every nuance
They smile when I ask if they really do.
They smile when I ask if I know them...
In a faraway dream I feel as if I do,
when I wake up I wonder when I'll see them next...
Even before I complete the thought,
They brush past me.
They know me, do I know them?
They are all around me
They are inside me
They are me...the shadows.
When will I know me?

Posted by Pavitra :: 05:07 :: 5 comments

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---------------oOo---------------

Sunday, 14 January 2007

Extra-ordinary

'The heights by great men,
reached and kept,
were not attained by sudden flight.
But, they while their companions slept...
were toiling upwards in the night.'

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

when I have work to do...I spend my precious time in between palpitations worrying about how in the world I'll get it all done.

When I do sit down to work...I feel tired and sleepy.

When I decide to take a break and enjoy...I spoil half my fun by thinking about the work I have to do.

When I do my work and focus...I fell like time is running out and even a propellor with the speed of light will not help me keep pace.

When I have an extra hour to work...I procastinate.

Irresponsible. Irrepressible. Unfocussed. Indifferent. Unabashed.

How extra-ordinary I am.

Then why the hell am I not toiling??

(Dinner with friends in 5...lecture someone??)

Posted by Pavitra :: 13:54 :: 5 comments

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Friday, 12 January 2007

Solitary moments

You watch the lone moments,
from beneath your eyelashes
you want to reach out...
but you wouldn't intrude.

Thoughts run wild
they make the loneliness last longer...
for once you feel wiser,
you wish to explain that tis' all in vain.

the pain you know will assuage in a while
you still wish you could instantly ease it...
but for once you feel wiser,
you let it be...for enlightenment is very personal

You want to reach out...
but you wouldn't intrude.
you silently wish the pain away
and let it walk in solitary moments.

Posted by Pavitra :: 18:46 :: 5 comments

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Tuesday, 9 January 2007

Sometimes you wake up with an extreme sense of disappointment.

It isn't something you immediately expected and didn't get. You haven't consciously thought about it for all this time...and it isn't very important. But it still brings disapointment.

It's like the shattering of an old dream.

I woke up this morning feeling warm and snug. That's supposed to be comforting right? But it wasn't comforting. It was just too warm for a cold january morning in London.

I woke up disappointed because when I brushed the curtain aside to have a peek at the world....I didn't see a spec of white anywhere. I woke up disappointed because I had dreamt of a vast sea of white stretched out before me yesterday.

Sigh. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was time to accept the facts about global warming. Maybe my dream didn't come true because the ice cream I had mmmm had last night was chocolate and not vanilla.

Posted by Pavitra :: 01:02 :: 7 comments

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Friday, 5 January 2007

Unearthly charges!

I thought its just me…but New Year brings with it a weird charge in the air. You feel like someone you are not. Or maybe a very minor you comes forth and creates havoc by wanting to share place with the major you. (Maybe it’s the lunar equations…I mean it was full moon a few days ago wasn’t it?) Because of the rush of the moment you feel like you have to look ahead and at the same time something in you resists and insists on looking back and then they pull each other and you stumble. And then you are walking unsteady for a few days. And at the same time there’s a third you that lingers around the corner…the one that hides and stands in the shadows and points fingers at you with an amused expression, telling you that you are acting abnormal…the out of body experience. Its like inside you a space suddenly became larger or gets more constrained and the rest of you is trying to adjust to the change while YOU i.e. the real you is actually outside your body wondering what the hell is wrong with you!!


Ha ha maybe I should just stop here and wish the world a Happy New Year.

Posted by Pavitra :: 06:54 :: 5 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- LIFE

Today, tomorrow
Yesterday, day before
All the same
All different.
All together, all separate.
A little new, a little old
A little forward, a little backward
It’s never unidirectional…LIFE.

Posted by Pavitra :: 06:25 :: 4 comments

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---------------oOo--------------- Never have time to waste!!

Pain.

What is pain?

Does it even exist?

Which is worse physical pain or mental anguish?

Why is pain a source of sympathy and concern?

Why is it considered a part of the dark side of life?

Is pain different for different people in the same and in different situations?

Who defined pain?

What is intense pain?

Is the most extreme form of pain the numbness you reach after a point or is it in the moments of climax when you’re in the throes of agony when every pin prick feels like a bullet puncture?

Is the pain over and gone once the numbness has been reached or is that beginning of a new crescendo? Or is it then just an essence of what was?

Once hurt can one ever be completely free of pain?

Is it normal to feel pain in the deep recesses of your mind once the hurt has healed?

Is it abnormal to feel it?

If it is normal, why do humans always try to cleanse away their pain?

If every lesson in life is meant to be learnt and we must carry with us their essence, why do humans make the futile efforts of trying to get rid of the dull throb?

Is pain a constant?

Is happiness a constant?

If happiness isn’t a constant and pain isn’t a constant and each lesson in happiness leaves its mark then why shouldn’t each lesson in pain leave its mark?

Is the mark necessarily a wound or is it just an honest acknowledgement of the lesson, the moment?

If the chaos theory is true and I believe it is, then in every moment of joy there is sadness, sedateness, thoughtfulness, euphoria, pain, understanding, confusion and every moment of pain there is joy, euphoria, sadness, sedateness, thoughtfulness, understanding, confusion. Then does pain in isolation as a feeling exist?

Does happiness in isolation as a feeling exist?

Then what is the big deal about having either?

What is the big deal about having neither?

Isn’t it all a part of existence? Your existence, my existence, everyone’s existence, anyone’s existence?

The cycle of pain, happiness, joy, sorrow that you or I go through today, won’t everyone else go through it at one point or the other?

What is the big deal about feelings if they are so enmeshed and so much a part of our everyday lives?

When it comes to living, why is acceptance the hardest for any human being in spite of knowing the truth?

Why am I asking all these questions?

Posted by Pavitra :: 06:22 :: 2 comments

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---------------oOo---------------

Tuesday, 2 January 2007

A moment in the middle...

A lot of new years come and pass. The next year blends in very smoothly into our lives and all it signifies for most of us is a good must have party. January 1 is just like any other day, the holidays are over, your routine falls back into place and you live life the same way. But some New Years are different from others. Sometimes you cross a year where you just turned 21, where you just entered a whole new unknown mysterious era of your life. Sometimes you cross a year where a whole lifetime has passed, where so much has happened. Not in terms of just events but in terms of lessons you've learnt and those that have changed you as a person. The coming of 2007 was one such New Year. It was momentous when the clock struck 12. We were standing on London Bridge, the fire works were going off, everything was lighted, the cars were rolling down in slow motion, people were hugging each other and many snaps were being taken and amidst all that a wierd kind of silence and stillness was enveloping me. Time had frozen in no mans land. Thoughts unbidden were coursing my mind, flipping at the speed of lightening, some of the days gone by and some of the days to come and yet it all felt like I am in a place where the force of gravity is considerably small...everything was fast yet wierdly slow, everything was huge yet wierdly minute.

Life had changed drastically. One moment I was living with my parents in Delhi, taking my dogs for a walk, gossiping with friends, complaining that my London applications were taking so long to come through and the next minute I was here on London Bridge wishing a whole bunch of new friends all the happiness in the world. New bonds had been formed, a new routine was being lived in a whole new country, new plans were to be made none of which would touch your previous life directly. It was symbolic, the most hard hitting symbol ever of all things NEW to come. It was scary, exciting, thrilling and petrifying all at the same time.

And along with the realisation of a new dawn was the remembrance and spreading warmth of the all the lessons learnt recently in the past year...understanding the level of faith and belief your parents can have in you to take your word for it and allow you to embark on such a journey, revelling in the strength of love you and your friends have in spite of the distances and the growing differences in life, realising that you can live life alone, make new friends and take adult decisions in the smoothest transition of your life. Realising that there are no ups without downs, there is no happiness without a bit of sadness, that there is no triumph without the bitter taste of loss and failure and that all of this contributes to making you more wholesome.

And then there were major events in 2006. We moved house, our dogs got separated, we graduated from college (that did happen phew!), worked in a 'proper' job for the first time, my first salary got stolen in a blue line (small event but seriously learnt the value of money from this one). I understood for the first time what determination and wanting something is while applying and researching and knowing for the first time with conviction that I 'wanted' something...I wanted to study in England (was the longest event of my life), Last street play in College, winning the first prize in LSR...the excitement in triumphant build up, last lunch with friends, buying my first cell phone, last noodle soup with Neha, digging in a bag of treasures with Neh and Tanu in Nehru Park, Saying bye to Pulkit in South-Ex without words, the joy of planning with mom Joile's expected puppies, not being able to share with her the loss of that precious dream, the silent gratefulness to the greatest parents who have taught me everything I know by letting me go free.

So I barged into the new year,
with a smile and a tear.
its been a jump, a bound, a leap,
and I will my promises keep.
So, heres to living life sincerely
with the aim of
laying down the world at my mom and dads feet,
loving and supporting my friends untill beat,
and a dedicated hope to learning lifes lessons fair
and having the strength to live it the only way I dare.
To be honest, strong, faithful,
to be true to those in my life and to life itself.
To carry forward all that I have learnt
to embrace with open arms the others to come.

Welcome 2007.

Labels: New Year

Posted by Pavitra :: 00:52 :: 5 comments

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---------------oOo---------------